back to school week...woot, woot!!!

this seems to be the only song i can think of the last couple weeks. the idea of the kids going back to school is like CHRISTMAS!!! i love my kids more than life itself, don't get me wrong. but taking it from 4 to 1 all day every day is FREAKIN AWESOME!!! of course there's the usual nervousness...will parker do ok at a new school? at MIDDLE school? will he remember his locker combination? does he even know how to use a padlock? what if he forgets? what if his teacher doesn't "get" him? will he make friends?...how will ava get up at 8am every morning? will she be ok on the bus? she's used to having snacks during the day and she won't have them now...will she be hungry? what if her teacher is mean and she has to spend ALL DAY with her everyday? will she be a good girl? will her "sass" get her in trouble? what if she forgets her lunch? or has a hard time staying at school all day without her mommy? so yeah...some usual concerns i suppose. ; ) but let me tell you...that won't stop me from tearing out of the school with my arms flailing yelling "FREEDOM!!!!" on wednesday morning. no-sir-ee! back to school week has begun!!

procrastination

...probably one of my worst habits. i've procrastinated my whole life. but today, i've hit rock bottom. i have literally done everything in my power to put off what really needs to be done: the dreaded laundry, and the kitchen that's falling apart. first, let me say that the laundry is my arch nemesis. i loath it with every fiber of my being. it's ALWAYS backed up, ALWAYS behind, and everyone in my house has WAAAAY too many clothes. it's not that big of a deal really...it's just laundry. i don't know why i fear it so. it's just starting a washer, starting a dryer, and bringing warm laundry upstairs in a basket to fold. no big deal, right? wrong, apparently. i dread it. every bit of it. so today, i've called in refills on all my prescriptions, called my dr office to verify my appt next week and leave a message for my dr, updated my blackberry, checked work email, checked work schedule, inputted said schedule into blackberry, ate popcorn, watched the first half of season 5 of the office on dvr (which i've seen a hundred times), checked nea's blog (which has yet to be updated, young lady! lol), checked facebook 20 times, sorted my pills into my pill container, picked up maverick's toys (again), had a couple smoke breaks, and so on. now maverick's awake. which pretty much throws all my would-be productivity out the window. damn you, procrastination. you've won once again...

some days...

some days i just can't stop thinking about her. it could be a picture, or a song, or a smell, or a memory mentioned...but once she's stuck in my mind, she's there. she was the most loving women i've ever known. she loved with ever fiber of her being, with her very last dime, and even with her last breath. some days i just beg to have her back. to just sit and chat with her like we used to. to hug her. to hear her say "i love you too, honey"...or hear her call me her "sweet, sweet girl" just ONE more time. there's a song..."when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be...". i know this refers to the joy we'll feel when we see God, but i long for that moment now to feel her sweet embrace again. maybe it was parker turning 10. maybe it was the thought of taking her picture off my facebook page, as silly as it sounds. maybe it was curling up on the couch last night only to realize that one of the kids had borrowed her old blanket to sleep with downstairs, and i didn't have it to snuggle with. something triggered it, and now that lump in my throat seems to just wanna stay there for a bit. i know she was sick. i know she was hurting. and i would never want her to feel one moment of that again. but for one more day with her...selfishly i'd give almost anything. i love you, granny bananny. and i know you're happier than you could ever be reunited with your momma. but man, how we miss you down here...

my son's wish, via google...

p's been pretty low about his adhd these days. he's feeling like his meds aren't working, having a hard time at school (mostly socially), and isn't enjoying things like he used to. i have my own theories about what's going on, but p blames adhd 100%...and i don't blame him. i've never allowed him to use his disorder as an excuse. always taught him that even people who don't have adhd have to work hard to concentrate, get things done, and make new friends. but at 9, it just seems that he's having to work quite a bit harder than the norm. this morning, while logging onto the computer, i found a google result that broke my heart.

"how to get rid of adhd"

how, as his mother, do i fix this for him? why are we given so much love and compassion for our children, yet our hands are tied to fix things such as this for them? all i can do is make sure he knows how much i love him, and that i'll always be here to back him up...no matter what.

new year, new life

i start this year with a new job and a new outlook. still catching my breath from end-of-year drama, but this year is hopefully the beginning of some greatness for me and the fam : )

so first, new job. i'm now a pca on the postpartum unit and i'm LOVING it! the mommies, the babies...it's amazing. this is literally my dream job, and they've even given me my dream schedule!! i almost don't want to clock out at the end of my shifts, and i'm actually excited when i get to go back. it's never easy to be the new girl, but these ladies are pretty awesome : )

the kids are LOVING school, and succeeding at it as well. b is, well, b...but an improved b these days : ) and i...well, i plan on blogging alot more this year. seems to be a good way to get it all out. all for now, nothing creative to say for today. time to go snarf down some candy conversation hearts...mmm...food-gasm...

just short of midnight...

i realize i hadn't blogged today. as if it matters...i have one solitary reader, right? ; )

i miss my pman. pickles and funky have been adorable on their own today tho, especially after p's speech to pickles last night. i overhear in the backseat "now "pickles"...you're going to be the man of the house while i'm gone. and it's not easy. it looks easy, but it's not. you have to help mommy alot. like, take the trash out and empty the dishwasher and stuff. and be nice to the other kids. but when you're the man of the house, you get to do stuff that you usually don't get to do. like, play the wii whenever you want." LOL! these kids crack me up...i love the things you hear when they don't think you're listening.

it's all fun and games until...

...you find unidentified POOP on the floor!!!!

i mean...what...the...everloving...HELL?! i'm on the computer. minding my own business. i look over. tiny little pile of poop on the floor. i know what you're thinking. "duh...don't you have a dog? dogs poop on the floor all the time". my first though as well. then i realized. i have an 80lb dog. and this is 30lb animal poop, max. i'm no animal expert, but this DEFINITELY did not come out of my dog. too small for kids, too. so...this is the fear i'm left with. we have this groundhog. YES...i said GROUNDHOG!!! he lives under our deck (i'm assuming he's a HE, because what kind of groundhog is a GIRL?!). he doesn't really bother anything, although it freaks me out to know he exists. the last couple days, we've left our dog in the house with the door to the mudroom (where his doggie door is) open. WHAT IF...that stupid groundhog came in here and shit on my floor...and may still be here?! the possibility of this is FREAKING ME THE HELL OUT!!! even a cat. or any other animal. not welcome in my house. NOT OK. so i just did what any other strong, independent woman like myself would do.

i called b and told him to get home IMMEDIATELY to search this house.

breathe....

these days, i have no patience. the kids ask me a million questions and i feel like the dragon lady when i snap back "WHAT?!" *snarl-hiss-snarl* not sure what's causing this lack of patience, but it must be a combination of a chaotically cluttered house, unusually needy children, my own need to be left alone every once in a while, and i'm sure a host of many other things. mav has been crying for 4 days straight now. call it teething, or constipation, or baby pms...who knows. but this means i've had no break from the constant complaining my 6 month old is dishing out, and very little sleep to go along with it. deadly combination, i must say. so i'm doing what any stretched-as-far-as-she-can-go mom would do...stocking up on prunes and tylenol, venting to my bff, and heading to the pool. at least i know the pool will wear them out...*sigh*

but i have to kick all this, because i get to meet my brand new nephew today! baby boomer is flying in with my sister juju in just a few hours...for good! YAYAYAYAY!!! : ) so pulling myself up by my very gloomy bootstraps, and heading off for some r&r poolside to get out of this slump! life is good...i just wish i had a quiet moment to reflect on that fact!! lol

and we wonder why everyone has add??

i wake up this morning. late as usual. get myself and mav ready, pick up p's friend for swim team (who's not ready...at all...i'm starting to resent doing this.), meet the kids and their dad at the pool, answer a phone call, talk to the coach, cheer on p, feed mav, watch eeber....breathe. all before 10am? then i load up the kids and their stuff, take p's friend home, stop at walmart while planning meals in my head, go home, unload groceries, jump on the computer, download a dvd conversion program. which sucks. so i go for another. which requires a windows upgrade. so i oblige. all while making lunch, starting dinner, juggling laundry, and getting a phone call saying i need to be across town by 2:30. it's 1pm. i'm exhausted just TYPING this, and yet i feel i've gotten nothing done after all that insanity today. instead of running my life, my life is running me. *sigh*

also, i was scammed by little kids yesterday (not my own. i'm too smart for THEM. lol), and they attempted again today. some little girl showed up at my doorstep selling a "book" she made. it consisted of about 5 piece of notebook paper folded together and a name with a heart on the front. said girl is probably only about 6, and she only wants a buck, so i give it to her. turns out the "book" has nothing in it. lol. i want to lecture her about selling sub-standard work, but decide against it. not 20 minutes later, 2 slightly older kids show up "selling" their toy gun and sword. oh, so i've become the gullable lady of the neighborhood? i don't THINK so. i try to semi-kindly let them know that i won't be shoveling money out all day. apparently they got the message...FOR YESTERDAY. today, little girl shows up on my doorstep again trying to sell ANOTHER book. wow. apparently people are starting their little scammers young these days. i told her yesterday was a one time deal...and my house will probably be egged in the morning. *sigh*

and finally...an ambulance has driven through our neighborhood down the same street in the same direction every day for the last 4 days. yesterday and today it happened TWICE. last night there were tons of cop cars, no lights...WHAT'S GOING ON??? call me an ambulance chaser, but i NEED to know!!! maybe i can ask for a police scanner for my birthday...but that'd be WAY more add than i could handle! lol

an encouraging day of discouragement...

because i took this weekend off, i decided mav and i should make a church appearance. let me just take this moment to reiterate that i LOVE this church... the service today was about leaving a legacy. geared towards grandparents, but as a mom, i got quite a bit out of it as well. i felt refreshed when we left, even though the mav cried constantly all afternoon. then my mom called. she needed a few things done at her house before my sister moved in. i've been putting it off, and know it needs to be done. so i get mav ready and head over...not in the best of spirits. i say a little prayer before going in for a good attitude and a cool head. yet from the moment i walked in, i felt attacked. it often seems like even though i know my mom loves me, she doesn't think very good things about me. i constantly feel like i'm never going to live down the "black sheep" role. i'll never be a good enough mom, a good enough christian, keep a clean enough house... so i cried. because that's often what i do. and yet i still feel that unsettling feeling in my stomach. that nagging part of my brain that actually believes all that to be true, constantly reminding me of hurtful words from myself and others.


i wish it would shut up.

hookie

so i've taken this weekend off work. yes, i realize my life is SOOOO hard working 2 days a week that i NEEDED a break. lol. i called in with back pain, which isn't intirely false, but to be honest, i really just needed to flush my brain. i needed some time with bryan with no agenda. some cuddle time with maverick with no limits. to clear my head of a friendship gone wrong. you never expect what life can give you, but it gives it to you anyway. and sometimes you just have to find a way to deal. i couldn't fake it this weekend. i couldn't fake happy, or sad, or helpful...it just wasn't in me. so tonight i'm going to support my cousin in his self-motivated journey to achieve an education. i'm holding hands with my boyfriend. i'm going to play, and laugh, and watch baby einstein with my baby. i'm getting rid of clutter in my life...physical and emotional.

it's going to be a refreshing weekend...

brain transplant...

i am genuinely starting to believe that boys were born without brains. or at least that common sense is exclusive to girls. this morning, i go downstairs to wake the boys. i go to grab clothes for them, and realize i have to sort through a 3 foot high pile of random used-to-be-folded clothes on top of their dresser. annoying. i tell j to get his shoes on, and the drama begins. it's like a weed whacker. someone wound him up and he's flailing all willy-nilly all over my house. somehow the shoes he "put away" a mere 12 hours prior had mysteriously disappeared...although HE put them where they belonged. (mmhmm...) we spend the next 20 minutes in a meltdown. i call his father to find out where a basket that contained another pair of his shoes was (since it had been in the same room until a few days ago)...didn't even know what i was talking about. it's as if brains escape boys. you tell them something, and that "der" look stares back at you. i feel like i should paint "mrdd services" on the side of my minivan. it's absolutely out of control. they run into the street without looking for cars. stare at you like you're an alien with your skin inside out when you ask them to do something. leave lights on, towels sprawled out all over the bathroom, dishes on the table, bookbags in the middle of the room, toys everywhere...and act like all this is normal behavior. and have NO idea what you're talking about when you ask them to clean up after themselves. it's like all they can relate to is youtube and video games. i'm about to post a youtube video of me showing them how to clean. talking to them like the brainless lovin boys that they are. "this is a hamper -der der- it's where your clothes go when they are dirty -der der- dirty means you've worn them for more than an hour or two -der der-"...i'm going to title it "violent naruto" so they can find it easily.

someone lock me up in the loony bin...i need some peace and quiet!!!

my so-called life

my phone used to ring a thousand times a day. texts, phone calls, so often that i couldn't go anywhere without toting the precious cell phone. i had so many plans on my nights off, that i actually had to tell people i was busy. i had to lie to multiple boys to go out with others, often juggling a few at a time. i had more vodka in my fridge than food, and was known to drink many under the table. i wouldn't even take my kid to school and stay in the car without a cute outfit and a facefull of makeup. i sported a pushup bra, jeans that showed half my ass, and heels that made me feel like the hottest woman around. i could get away with not cleaning my house for weeks, and no one cared when i was chummed up with them at a bar. boys bought me dinner, drinks, flowers, and when they kissed me, my toes curled. i ranted and raved and blogged about douchebags, and prince charmings, and drunk nights out.

i miss that life. i miss it something fierce.

my phone now goes entire days with nothing more than a weather update text message. i've settled down with one guy who never EVER treats me as well as even the jerkiest of guys used to. i'm up to my neck in mommy-ness. i drive a minivan. there's no more bar nights, shooting pool, spending time with friends (tough when the only one you have lives an entire country away), hanging out with even my guy FRIENDS...nothing. i clean the house and it goes unnoticed. i make dinner and nothing but complaints. i stick my neck out for a friend and get ditched as a result. i've traded my pushup bra for tanks with shelf bras because they're more comfortable and no one notices anyway. i can go an entire week...to the grocery store, ballet, work, etc...with no makeup. NONE. in pajama pants. i chop off my own hair because it's in the way and i could just care less how it turns out. i haven't been to my favorite bar for over a year. haven't stumbled drunk into a bathroom in even longer. i'm lonely, angry, and just sick and tired of it. i've lost my spark, my creativity, my passion.

thinking of ordering a new life on ebay...

two by two...

a couple months ago, i'm going through my closet. as i weed through things, i notice...2 hooded sweaters, one gray, one cream...same sweater, just different colors. 2 tshirts...one green, one blue, both with butterflies on the chest. again. same shirt, different colors. 2 yoga suits with rhinestones. one black, one gray. 2 sweat pants...both old navy, one white, one gray. two tank top/short sleeved shirt combos from american eagle...and on, and on...

apparently...i buy things i like in 2's.

so weird, right? i don't get it myself. yet i have things i bought 2 years or so ago that i bought in pairs as well. when i like something, apparently i like it so much i feel the need to buy two of them. i did it again today with my fabulous old navy flutter tops. and a week or two ago with flowered old navy hoodies. i don't know if i just obsessively collect clothing, or i think that i won't find another shirt that i like so i buy two of the same in different colors...who knows. either way, i find it humorous. my closet looks like that of twins, but i promise there's only one of me. i'm baffled. but at least i'm entertained. : )

fatty mcfatterson...

i will admit that i've put on a few lbs. several or more during my pregnancy, and surprisingly many more since. i feel HUGE. belly that could be carrying mavo's twin, legs that resemble tree trunks, and arms that look like the michelin man. even my BACK has rolls at this point. i finally felt so fat that i decided to do something about it. so i've been watching calories this week. it's amazing how many calories an entire bag of doritos contains, let me tell ya!! the other day i veered away from graeters (still sounds good, by the way. lol) and got a 120 calorie mcdonalds ice cream cone instead. i passed up my beloved 10piece nugget meal with fries and a giant sweet tea for a 6 piece nugget and apple dippers...and water. who really wants to live like this??? i mean, really?! me, that's who...if i don't want to end up on TLC as the world's fattest mom who hasn't left my bed in 10 years...but oh, the torture when you're a food addict. no more cuddling up to some ben & jerry's. basically no more phish food period since i feel so guilty about every single calorie i ingest. but i've lost 2 lbs since monday. probably water weight, but i'll take it. i've said ALLLLL this to say that i'm having a hard time enjoying my wardrobe these days. i've taken to b's tshirts and pajama or sweat pants most recently, and just feel plain terrible. i'm going to a concert tonight and was determined to find SOMETHING that i felt cute in. i tell ya ladies...if you can pinch an inch, head to old navy...fluttery sleeved (longer sleeves for those of you with michelin arms like mine!) tops with a band around the waist to suck them to your hips while the rest of the shirt blouses. instant skinny!!! i was going to post a picture, but can't find it on their website. oh, how i'm in love. i bought 2 (this shall be my next blog), and a super adorable tshirt...happy girl!! oh. and they're only 15 bucks, so get em while the gettin's good!

i dare you

ok. so bryan and i are doing the love dare. which is amazing. and quite frankly, saving us all over the place. today's dare? 3 things about eachother that irritate you. and after the day we've had, it wasn't the best of choices. but i have to say...having him talk to me, straight up, with no agenda...it was refreshing. i know exactly what i do that frustrates him now, and can avoid it as much as possible. there were no jokes, no sarcasm, only complete honesty. and when we went to our group tonight, i sat with 2 other couples who admitted that they hadn't done all 5 dares this week. i was able to look up, with tears in my eyes, and brag about how bryan had made them a priority...made US a priority...and done every one of them. he loved me just THAT much. we may not always be the ideal couple. we probably jumped in too fast and have more than enough issues to last a lifetime. but tonight i was proud of our relationship. i was proud that we had shaved time out of every day to read and act on how we could be better towards eachother. wow. this love dare stuff's pretty awesome!!!

time flies...

my 3 month time with mavo is over. i went back to work last weekend, and it went fantastically well. i miss that baby like crazy, but my co-workers are truly amazing. right around the same time, maverick chunked up, losing his tiny little newborn look...and also stopped nursing, deciding not just to make my mommy heart ache a little, but to tear it out of my chest and teeth on it. i miss nursing so much. i should be happy to be able to eat a bigger variety of foods. or to have the ability to pass him off to others for feedings, and even to be able to drink again. but i'm not. i have this gut wrenching sadness about the whole thing. i envisioned nursing him for almost a full year. bought a super expensive pump and everything so that i could facilitate my wonderful motherly job while at work. but instead, he just stopped. one day i went to nurse him, and nothing but tears. i haven't wanted to believe it. even pumped just to keep it around in case he changed his mind. but as the days pass and 3 ounces turned into 2, then 1...i've had to come to grips with the fact that it's over. my dream of blissfully rocking my baby boy to sleep at night all snuggled up nursing him...over. sporting my beautiful hooter hider made by my bestie...over. pulling him into bed with me at night and nursing us both back to sleep...over. i should get over this. as a wise friend tells me, "you'll be sad about alot of things. sad that he outgrows his infant carseat, etc. this is just another one of those things."...it's true. i know this. but i miss it terribly already. consider yourself lucky, my dear friend whose daughter won't drink from a bottle and uses you as a teether lately...it could've ended all too soon. the grass is always greener tho, right? : )

she works hard for the money

here it is. the day i've been dreading for a little over 3 months. my return to work. and although i'll only be working 20 hours a week, the thought of it makes me more emotional than i thought imaginable. 20 whole hours of not being able to hold my chubby little angel. 20 hours of smiles, and watching him while he sleeps, and fussing that's only calmed by me...i don't want to miss a moment. yet at 8:00 tomorrow night, i will miss many moments. 11.5 straight hours of moments at a time, to be exact. i'm sad to leave him. i'm scared i'll have lost knowledge, or not be as capable as i was before. i'm resentful that i have to send my tiny baby to other people overnight. people who aren't used to his crying. or who don't stare at him in complete awe even in the middle of the night. i trust my mother. his mother. and him (mostly). but no one loves this baby like i do, so the thought of trusting anyone else with the life that i brought about only 3 months ago makes me pretty weepy. i have to say i'm a little angry. why is it that some women get the joys of being home with their children? i'm not jealous. i'm really not. i love that my friends get to enjoy their kids. i just would really like that as well. and the fact that he doesn't even begin to try to understand the pain that it causes me to leave my lil munchkin makes things just a little bit worse.

on the flip side, maybe this would be a good thing. take my mind off the precious-lovin obsession going on in my house. make me feel like i'm appreciated. allow me to be close to my work family again. give me a sense of purpose. i know all the reasons why i'm doing this, but none of them are worth the time away from my new baby and my family. so here i go. slap a happy face on and get to it. i can do this, right?

it can all be explained by some cheap mascara...

i've lost who i am. in the process of being a mother, and a step mother, and in a relationship with an incredibly needy and demanding person, i've lost the core of who i am as a chick. strong, independent, outspoken, silly...those words no longer describe me. most of my shopping is done for others. and in the midst of it all, i didn't even realize it until yesterday. until i bought the cheap mascara. there it was. a pretty pink tube of volumizing, maximizing, super-awesome seven dollar mascara in my cart. but at the register, my "thrifty" kicked in when i saw 3.99 mascara on the endcap. so apparently, i wasn't worth the 7 dollars even to myself and compromised for the cheaper version. as i applied it last night, i cursed it. it sucks. puny little lashes stared at me in the mirror, laughing at my stupid decision to cheat myself. and as i got out of the shower this morning, bryan commented on the streaks of black streaming down my face. how did i allow myself to become insignificant? to become unworthy of even SEVEN DOLLAR mascara?? i drop 30+ at old navy for my daughter, yet can't splurge to buy myself the 25 dollar sweater i want? i'm losing who i am. who i was. i'm becoming that which i've always sworn i wouldn't. a serving, compromising, sit-down-and-shut-up kind of woman. and i hate it. so today, i'm buying myself lunch. and i'm not taking back my bath and body works splurge. and i'm not going to a wrestling match that i don't want to go to because i don't want to go. i'm no longer the subserviant woman i have become. and while i anticipate set backs on this declaration, i'm sticking to it. liberation, here i come. thank you, cheap maybelline mascara, for making me realize that even though you suck, i don't. and i deserve way better than your 3.99 bottle can provide.

child abuser???

just to drive home the manipulation we're talking about here...

today i receive a phone call. about 20+ phone calls and 17 texts to be exact. oh. and 8 voicemails. all from b. this is fairly typical. he does this often for things such as he sees a squirrel, needs me to call a realtor for a house he saw while driving, lost something, or wants to know what's for dinner. so i wasn't completely alarmed. i call him back. apparently precious told his mother he's scared of me. because i yell at him (god forbid) and once grabbed his arm supposedly. i won't deny the yelling. i'm a yeller. but i don't yell all that often and i certainly don't yell at him anymore than i do my own children. kids do dumb stuff and that's my way of making them aware of my frustration and correcting the behavior. also, i can never remember in the YEAR that i've known them grabbing this kid. or laying a hand on him period. although grabbing his arm doesn't seem like an evil thing to me personally. but it was the way this was handled. i was interrogated by my own boyfriend and the father of my 5 week old baby that he leaves me with on a continuous basis. with no supervision. *gasp* yeah. and if this child was not so manipulative, i'd blame his mother. or rack my brain as to what i would've possibly done to bother poor precious. but we're talking about the kid that i get up and dressed half the week every week. that i drive across town to school, leaving my own child with the neighbor, twice a week. that i have bought clothes and shoes for, taken to his favorite restaurants when we spend time together, and made him feel like the essential part of our family that any child is. this is the same little snot that runs and cries wolf to his mother just to stir things up. and yes, he's that powerful. everyone around him (aside from me) has given him that power. and now here i sit. accused. and beyond pissed. i guess this cuts out all that driving twice a week, now doesn't it? wouldn't want the risk of my ripping his arm off when he asks for a poptart, now would we?