here it is. the day i've been dreading for a little over 3 months. my return to work. and although i'll only be working 20 hours a week, the thought of it makes me more emotional than i thought imaginable. 20 whole hours of not being able to hold my chubby little angel. 20 hours of smiles, and watching him while he sleeps, and fussing that's only calmed by me...i don't want to miss a moment. yet at 8:00 tomorrow night, i will miss many moments. 11.5 straight hours of moments at a time, to be exact. i'm sad to leave him. i'm scared i'll have lost knowledge, or not be as capable as i was before. i'm resentful that i have to send my tiny baby to other people overnight. people who aren't used to his crying. or who don't stare at him in complete awe even in the middle of the night. i trust my mother. his mother. and him (mostly). but no one loves this baby like i do, so the thought of trusting anyone else with the life that i brought about only 3 months ago makes me pretty weepy. i have to say i'm a little angry. why is it that some women get the joys of being home with their children? i'm not jealous. i'm really not. i love that my friends get to enjoy their kids. i just would really like that as well. and the fact that he doesn't even begin to try to understand the pain that it causes me to leave my lil munchkin makes things just a little bit worse.
on the flip side, maybe this would be a good thing. take my mind off the precious-lovin obsession going on in my house. make me feel like i'm appreciated. allow me to be close to my work family again. give me a sense of purpose. i know all the reasons why i'm doing this, but none of them are worth the time away from my new baby and my family. so here i go. slap a happy face on and get to it. i can do this, right?
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