because i took this weekend off, i decided mav and i should make a church appearance. let me just take this moment to reiterate that i LOVE this church... the service today was about leaving a legacy. geared towards grandparents, but as a mom, i got quite a bit out of it as well. i felt refreshed when we left, even though the mav cried constantly all afternoon. then my mom called. she needed a few things done at her house before my sister moved in. i've been putting it off, and know it needs to be done. so i get mav ready and head over...not in the best of spirits. i say a little prayer before going in for a good attitude and a cool head. yet from the moment i walked in, i felt attacked. it often seems like even though i know my mom loves me, she doesn't think very good things about me. i constantly feel like i'm never going to live down the "black sheep" role. i'll never be a good enough mom, a good enough christian, keep a clean enough house... so i cried. because that's often what i do. and yet i still feel that unsettling feeling in my stomach. that nagging part of my brain that actually believes all that to be true, constantly reminding me of hurtful words from myself and others.
i wish it would shut up.
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(hugs) know who you are and know it is enough.
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