my so-called life

my phone used to ring a thousand times a day. texts, phone calls, so often that i couldn't go anywhere without toting the precious cell phone. i had so many plans on my nights off, that i actually had to tell people i was busy. i had to lie to multiple boys to go out with others, often juggling a few at a time. i had more vodka in my fridge than food, and was known to drink many under the table. i wouldn't even take my kid to school and stay in the car without a cute outfit and a facefull of makeup. i sported a pushup bra, jeans that showed half my ass, and heels that made me feel like the hottest woman around. i could get away with not cleaning my house for weeks, and no one cared when i was chummed up with them at a bar. boys bought me dinner, drinks, flowers, and when they kissed me, my toes curled. i ranted and raved and blogged about douchebags, and prince charmings, and drunk nights out.

i miss that life. i miss it something fierce.

my phone now goes entire days with nothing more than a weather update text message. i've settled down with one guy who never EVER treats me as well as even the jerkiest of guys used to. i'm up to my neck in mommy-ness. i drive a minivan. there's no more bar nights, shooting pool, spending time with friends (tough when the only one you have lives an entire country away), hanging out with even my guy FRIENDS...nothing. i clean the house and it goes unnoticed. i make dinner and nothing but complaints. i stick my neck out for a friend and get ditched as a result. i've traded my pushup bra for tanks with shelf bras because they're more comfortable and no one notices anyway. i can go an entire week...to the grocery store, ballet, work, etc...with no makeup. NONE. in pajama pants. i chop off my own hair because it's in the way and i could just care less how it turns out. i haven't been to my favorite bar for over a year. haven't stumbled drunk into a bathroom in even longer. i'm lonely, angry, and just sick and tired of it. i've lost my spark, my creativity, my passion.

thinking of ordering a new life on ebay...

two by two...

a couple months ago, i'm going through my closet. as i weed through things, i notice...2 hooded sweaters, one gray, one cream...same sweater, just different colors. 2 tshirts...one green, one blue, both with butterflies on the chest. again. same shirt, different colors. 2 yoga suits with rhinestones. one black, one gray. 2 sweat pants...both old navy, one white, one gray. two tank top/short sleeved shirt combos from american eagle...and on, and on...

apparently...i buy things i like in 2's.

so weird, right? i don't get it myself. yet i have things i bought 2 years or so ago that i bought in pairs as well. when i like something, apparently i like it so much i feel the need to buy two of them. i did it again today with my fabulous old navy flutter tops. and a week or two ago with flowered old navy hoodies. i don't know if i just obsessively collect clothing, or i think that i won't find another shirt that i like so i buy two of the same in different colors...who knows. either way, i find it humorous. my closet looks like that of twins, but i promise there's only one of me. i'm baffled. but at least i'm entertained. : )

fatty mcfatterson...

i will admit that i've put on a few lbs. several or more during my pregnancy, and surprisingly many more since. i feel HUGE. belly that could be carrying mavo's twin, legs that resemble tree trunks, and arms that look like the michelin man. even my BACK has rolls at this point. i finally felt so fat that i decided to do something about it. so i've been watching calories this week. it's amazing how many calories an entire bag of doritos contains, let me tell ya!! the other day i veered away from graeters (still sounds good, by the way. lol) and got a 120 calorie mcdonalds ice cream cone instead. i passed up my beloved 10piece nugget meal with fries and a giant sweet tea for a 6 piece nugget and apple dippers...and water. who really wants to live like this??? i mean, really?! me, that's who...if i don't want to end up on TLC as the world's fattest mom who hasn't left my bed in 10 years...but oh, the torture when you're a food addict. no more cuddling up to some ben & jerry's. basically no more phish food period since i feel so guilty about every single calorie i ingest. but i've lost 2 lbs since monday. probably water weight, but i'll take it. i've said ALLLLL this to say that i'm having a hard time enjoying my wardrobe these days. i've taken to b's tshirts and pajama or sweat pants most recently, and just feel plain terrible. i'm going to a concert tonight and was determined to find SOMETHING that i felt cute in. i tell ya ladies...if you can pinch an inch, head to old navy...fluttery sleeved (longer sleeves for those of you with michelin arms like mine!) tops with a band around the waist to suck them to your hips while the rest of the shirt blouses. instant skinny!!! i was going to post a picture, but can't find it on their website. oh, how i'm in love. i bought 2 (this shall be my next blog), and a super adorable tshirt...happy girl!! oh. and they're only 15 bucks, so get em while the gettin's good!

i dare you

ok. so bryan and i are doing the love dare. which is amazing. and quite frankly, saving us all over the place. today's dare? 3 things about eachother that irritate you. and after the day we've had, it wasn't the best of choices. but i have to say...having him talk to me, straight up, with no agenda...it was refreshing. i know exactly what i do that frustrates him now, and can avoid it as much as possible. there were no jokes, no sarcasm, only complete honesty. and when we went to our group tonight, i sat with 2 other couples who admitted that they hadn't done all 5 dares this week. i was able to look up, with tears in my eyes, and brag about how bryan had made them a priority...made US a priority...and done every one of them. he loved me just THAT much. we may not always be the ideal couple. we probably jumped in too fast and have more than enough issues to last a lifetime. but tonight i was proud of our relationship. i was proud that we had shaved time out of every day to read and act on how we could be better towards eachother. wow. this love dare stuff's pretty awesome!!!

time flies...

my 3 month time with mavo is over. i went back to work last weekend, and it went fantastically well. i miss that baby like crazy, but my co-workers are truly amazing. right around the same time, maverick chunked up, losing his tiny little newborn look...and also stopped nursing, deciding not just to make my mommy heart ache a little, but to tear it out of my chest and teeth on it. i miss nursing so much. i should be happy to be able to eat a bigger variety of foods. or to have the ability to pass him off to others for feedings, and even to be able to drink again. but i'm not. i have this gut wrenching sadness about the whole thing. i envisioned nursing him for almost a full year. bought a super expensive pump and everything so that i could facilitate my wonderful motherly job while at work. but instead, he just stopped. one day i went to nurse him, and nothing but tears. i haven't wanted to believe it. even pumped just to keep it around in case he changed his mind. but as the days pass and 3 ounces turned into 2, then 1...i've had to come to grips with the fact that it's over. my dream of blissfully rocking my baby boy to sleep at night all snuggled up nursing him...over. sporting my beautiful hooter hider made by my bestie...over. pulling him into bed with me at night and nursing us both back to sleep...over. i should get over this. as a wise friend tells me, "you'll be sad about alot of things. sad that he outgrows his infant carseat, etc. this is just another one of those things."...it's true. i know this. but i miss it terribly already. consider yourself lucky, my dear friend whose daughter won't drink from a bottle and uses you as a teether lately...it could've ended all too soon. the grass is always greener tho, right? : )

she works hard for the money

here it is. the day i've been dreading for a little over 3 months. my return to work. and although i'll only be working 20 hours a week, the thought of it makes me more emotional than i thought imaginable. 20 whole hours of not being able to hold my chubby little angel. 20 hours of smiles, and watching him while he sleeps, and fussing that's only calmed by me...i don't want to miss a moment. yet at 8:00 tomorrow night, i will miss many moments. 11.5 straight hours of moments at a time, to be exact. i'm sad to leave him. i'm scared i'll have lost knowledge, or not be as capable as i was before. i'm resentful that i have to send my tiny baby to other people overnight. people who aren't used to his crying. or who don't stare at him in complete awe even in the middle of the night. i trust my mother. his mother. and him (mostly). but no one loves this baby like i do, so the thought of trusting anyone else with the life that i brought about only 3 months ago makes me pretty weepy. i have to say i'm a little angry. why is it that some women get the joys of being home with their children? i'm not jealous. i'm really not. i love that my friends get to enjoy their kids. i just would really like that as well. and the fact that he doesn't even begin to try to understand the pain that it causes me to leave my lil munchkin makes things just a little bit worse.

on the flip side, maybe this would be a good thing. take my mind off the precious-lovin obsession going on in my house. make me feel like i'm appreciated. allow me to be close to my work family again. give me a sense of purpose. i know all the reasons why i'm doing this, but none of them are worth the time away from my new baby and my family. so here i go. slap a happy face on and get to it. i can do this, right?

it can all be explained by some cheap mascara...

i've lost who i am. in the process of being a mother, and a step mother, and in a relationship with an incredibly needy and demanding person, i've lost the core of who i am as a chick. strong, independent, outspoken, silly...those words no longer describe me. most of my shopping is done for others. and in the midst of it all, i didn't even realize it until yesterday. until i bought the cheap mascara. there it was. a pretty pink tube of volumizing, maximizing, super-awesome seven dollar mascara in my cart. but at the register, my "thrifty" kicked in when i saw 3.99 mascara on the endcap. so apparently, i wasn't worth the 7 dollars even to myself and compromised for the cheaper version. as i applied it last night, i cursed it. it sucks. puny little lashes stared at me in the mirror, laughing at my stupid decision to cheat myself. and as i got out of the shower this morning, bryan commented on the streaks of black streaming down my face. how did i allow myself to become insignificant? to become unworthy of even SEVEN DOLLAR mascara?? i drop 30+ at old navy for my daughter, yet can't splurge to buy myself the 25 dollar sweater i want? i'm losing who i am. who i was. i'm becoming that which i've always sworn i wouldn't. a serving, compromising, sit-down-and-shut-up kind of woman. and i hate it. so today, i'm buying myself lunch. and i'm not taking back my bath and body works splurge. and i'm not going to a wrestling match that i don't want to go to because i don't want to go. i'm no longer the subserviant woman i have become. and while i anticipate set backs on this declaration, i'm sticking to it. liberation, here i come. thank you, cheap maybelline mascara, for making me realize that even though you suck, i don't. and i deserve way better than your 3.99 bottle can provide.