time flies...

my 3 month time with mavo is over. i went back to work last weekend, and it went fantastically well. i miss that baby like crazy, but my co-workers are truly amazing. right around the same time, maverick chunked up, losing his tiny little newborn look...and also stopped nursing, deciding not just to make my mommy heart ache a little, but to tear it out of my chest and teeth on it. i miss nursing so much. i should be happy to be able to eat a bigger variety of foods. or to have the ability to pass him off to others for feedings, and even to be able to drink again. but i'm not. i have this gut wrenching sadness about the whole thing. i envisioned nursing him for almost a full year. bought a super expensive pump and everything so that i could facilitate my wonderful motherly job while at work. but instead, he just stopped. one day i went to nurse him, and nothing but tears. i haven't wanted to believe it. even pumped just to keep it around in case he changed his mind. but as the days pass and 3 ounces turned into 2, then 1...i've had to come to grips with the fact that it's over. my dream of blissfully rocking my baby boy to sleep at night all snuggled up nursing him...over. sporting my beautiful hooter hider made by my bestie...over. pulling him into bed with me at night and nursing us both back to sleep...over. i should get over this. as a wise friend tells me, "you'll be sad about alot of things. sad that he outgrows his infant carseat, etc. this is just another one of those things."...it's true. i know this. but i miss it terribly already. consider yourself lucky, my dear friend whose daughter won't drink from a bottle and uses you as a teether lately...it could've ended all too soon. the grass is always greener tho, right? : )

she works hard for the money

here it is. the day i've been dreading for a little over 3 months. my return to work. and although i'll only be working 20 hours a week, the thought of it makes me more emotional than i thought imaginable. 20 whole hours of not being able to hold my chubby little angel. 20 hours of smiles, and watching him while he sleeps, and fussing that's only calmed by me...i don't want to miss a moment. yet at 8:00 tomorrow night, i will miss many moments. 11.5 straight hours of moments at a time, to be exact. i'm sad to leave him. i'm scared i'll have lost knowledge, or not be as capable as i was before. i'm resentful that i have to send my tiny baby to other people overnight. people who aren't used to his crying. or who don't stare at him in complete awe even in the middle of the night. i trust my mother. his mother. and him (mostly). but no one loves this baby like i do, so the thought of trusting anyone else with the life that i brought about only 3 months ago makes me pretty weepy. i have to say i'm a little angry. why is it that some women get the joys of being home with their children? i'm not jealous. i'm really not. i love that my friends get to enjoy their kids. i just would really like that as well. and the fact that he doesn't even begin to try to understand the pain that it causes me to leave my lil munchkin makes things just a little bit worse.

on the flip side, maybe this would be a good thing. take my mind off the precious-lovin obsession going on in my house. make me feel like i'm appreciated. allow me to be close to my work family again. give me a sense of purpose. i know all the reasons why i'm doing this, but none of them are worth the time away from my new baby and my family. so here i go. slap a happy face on and get to it. i can do this, right?